Six Months Already?

Nothing could have prepared me to have a baby. Nothing. Except having a baby before having a baby. I guess I’ll be better prepared the second time.

I remember the first few days we were home from the hospital. Sosie was crying a lot. Sure, she’d sleep some. Not as much as other newborns. She’s still no great napper, but neither was I. In fact, I was called to the principal's office at age 2 (!!!) for refusing to nap in preschool. My mom was teaching in the same building, and when she came in they told her I would not nap. I had said to my teacher, "My mother doesn't make me nap." I was defiant. My mother had simply given up. I would lay in my crib and play. What a stinker! Fast forward to Kindergarten, when, during nap time, a friend and I would throw notes across the room and giggle, "disrupting the other children." After a couple weeks, my teacher gave up, too, and placed a room divider around me with toys nearby. I guess she figured if she couldn't make me nap, I could quietly play in my "cubicle" until nap time was over. Sosie and I agree... there's simply too many things to see and do in this world. Who has time for sleep?

Anyway, I remember my mom saying, “Some babies have colic. I hope she doesn’t have colic. But she won’t.” Little did we know it had already begun. Just one week after bringing Sosie home, we knew something was wrong.

And it’s not that colic is “wrong.” It’s just a very HARD welcome to parenthood. The few times Sosie fell asleep on my chest I was in heaven. I could listen to her breathing, watch the rise and fall of her belly, feel her warmth against mine. It was our time of solace. There were nights of driving her around in the car with a lullaby CD turned up loud. Sitting in the bathroom while water rushed from the faucet and her eyes closed, rocking and listening. Singing Christmas songs all night! … Ones we didn’t even know the words to, so we’d look them up and my husband would feed me line after line as Sosie dozed in my arms. Running the vacuum. The hairdryer. More faucets. And LOTS of plies. It’s a good thing I was a dancer.

“I wouldn’t wish colic on my worst enemy.” That from my sister. My sister who had gone through one baby with colic and promised that three months was as long as it might last. My sister who was my opposite. – chill, calm, knew how to roll (and laugh) with the punches. Meanwhile, I was caught like a deer in headlights. I have always lived my life systematically.  I make safe, informed choices. I don’t handle change or unpredictability well. I am Type A+++++++++…

But, Sosie....

Sosie at 5 months. We have yet to take our 6 month photo!

Some people say “it goes so fast.” But those first three and a half months slogged like molasses through a strainer. But it was only three and a half months. I struggled. She struggled. But the fog lifted, and we came out of it together. 

I would never discount those first few months. As much as I wanted to get through them and move on asfastaspossible, I can’t help but reflect upon how close they brought us. I know very well every minutia of her mood, expression, and mannerisms now at six months. I spent the first three holding her in my arms almost every waking (and sleeping) moment. Around five months, however, is when I began to feel like our life together was really beginning. 

About three weeks ago, she reached her little arms out for me while daddy was holding her. Before that, she would see me and sort of whine. Then she began turning and lunging her body forward whenever I stood in front of her as if she were trying to throw herself in my arms. Now she reaches her baby-soft arms with such longing and delight. That very simple gesture melts my heart every time. I reminds me that she is mine, and, while she doesn’t know the term yet – “mother” – I am hers. 

She is a joy. I find my heart racing as I drive home from work, the closer I get to her. I smell her on my clothes when I'm without her. It’s like being in love all over again. Motherhood changes you  everything. I miss being able to do, spend, eat, sleep, workout, travel as I please. But it’s OK to reminisce about “the way we were” before baby. It’s normal. It’s OK to be tired. I don’t expect to feel rested for more than 20 years. It’s OK to dislike and also feel relieved about my post-baby body. At least now I have a solid, indisputable reason for a little belly pooch (that doesn’t include beer!) It’s OK to feel like you have no idea what you are doing. There are so many others feeling exactly the same way you are at this very moment.

I spent a lot of time talking to people, trying to regain my footing, make sense of my new role. And while I may share too much, I believe it's important to talk more. It’s what brings us together and keeps us connected. It keeps us laughing, keeps us from falling, keeps us understanding. It keeps us going.

Either way, whatever I miss about NOT being a mom sort of slides away, like a shadow moving across the wall, when I am with her. I can’t imagine life without her. It simply doesn’t exist.

I am thankful and in awe of my smiley, giggly, silly baby. I love how observant she is. Who knows what she’s thinking all the time? But she’s got things to say! She's an old soul. She, like me, seems to calculate risk. She is quick to learn, but slow to act. She wears her emotions for all to see. She is cautious and deeply loves those she trusts. She is very curious and craves movement. She also likes structure, predictability. Imagine...!

At 4 months, we went through a sleep regression. Three weeks of sleepless nights until my perfect night sleeper went back to, well, perfectly sleeping through the night again. Then, it was time to stop holding sleeping babies. We S L O W L Y stopped swaddling and started "teaching" Sosie to nap in her crib. Hallelujah! No more holding, no more swaddling.

My little bug learned to roll at 5 months and hasn't stopped since. She's become a tummy sleeper. She's sitting up pretty much by herself, and she's pulling her legs up under her, ready to crawl. Her little teeth buds are about to pop. And as it came time for solids at 6 months, mommy and daddy have been much more excited than Sosie. She's crazy about bananas ... but that's about it.

I look forward to watching her bloom. I'm terrible about remembering to take pictures. I get caught up in just being with her. But I guess I'd better remember before she grows up!

There are so many things I'd like to tell her as she grows. But above all, I would tell her to carry joy with her wherever she goes, and shine it upon everyone she meets.