When The Wilderness Finds Us

Since November, I’ve been dealing with debilitating pain in my feet. It started small and just grew and grew. For a couple weeks, I could barely stand up for more than a minute. Some days, it feels like it is spreading. My whole body just aches.

Chronic physical pain is like the ocean – waves are always rolling. Some days more aggressive than others. Some are much more calm.

But it’s incessant. And it is wearisome – physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I don’t want this to sound like a pity post. I just want those who know me to know what’s going on. So if and when you see me, you’ll understand if I need to sit down or can’t stop to stand to talk for a long time. Why my mind may seem a little absorbed lately. Why I may ask for your help doing something. But mostly, why I want to give thanks and share in gratitude with you. 

It’s been four months now that feels like a lifetime. And I have days where I wish I could stay in bed. But I am a wife, and a mother, and I have a full time job. And life keeps on moving whether I do or not.

At this point, we do not know the cause or the diagnosis of my pain. We are seeking answers. But even in the search, answers may not come easily, quickly or at all.

Those who know me best, know that I’ve been extremely active my entire life. I’ve spent most of it dancing and running. Now, I cannot walk around the block. If I did, I would pay for it later, for several days. I wake up in dread of putting my feet on the ground. Wondering, will it be worse today?

At first, every day was different. The pain moved around a lot. It was as if, overnight, some new inflammation would move in and cause more problems or new problems. Lately, the pain is pretty stagnant and pretty widespread, and lately, even in my sleep. The mornings are worse. Movement is sometimes better than none. But too much, and it feels like my feet are bruised all over.

I’ve started swimming, and some biking. If only I were a fish! I’d never have to withstand the pain again. I wish I could live in the water, only coming up for air.

I find victories in the smallest of things. Truly, standing is a victory. A good day is being home with my 4- and 2-year-old – all of us surviving and relatively cheerful and without any melodramatic breakdown – from me or them. Because the pain can just get up there when I am on my feet with them, and, if it does, my patience grows especially thin.

Please know, I serve an awesome God. That doesn’t mean I have weathered these months gracefully. I have had, and sometimes still have, moments where I’ve wanted to quit. I’ve wondered how I could possibly live like this another day.

But He has carried me through those moments, and in and out of days, to the next and the next and the next…

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.       

                                                                                    Isaiah 46:4

I am learning to lean on Him wholeheartedly. Every day, I let go of a little more of myself, of how I wish things were, of mourning life before this all began, to fully live in Christ alone.  

My hope for you today is that you will give thanks – for every moment, but especially the dark and difficult wilderness moments. We all walk through them in different ways, for different things. But they serve a purpose much larger than us.

Give thanks for the moments you don’t want. Be glad to be in them so that God’s righteousness and power can be revealed.

Give thanks for the things you don’t have. That others who do may give of them freely to you in need.

Give thanks for the sickness or pain. That God’s goodness may be made known through healing in those trials, through those caring for you, even through some moment in eternity that you may never see.

Give thanks for the suffering and heartache. That you will be refined and made stronger and wiser and better able to comfort those in similar places from your experience.

Give thanks for your family and friends. That they will love you best through the times when life gets the hardest.

Nothing in life is guaranteed.

I don’t know what this is that has taken over my body. I don’t know how it will turn out. I do know that God is in the details and that the prayers lifted up on my behalf are only bringing more glory to Him with every word.

God knows my needs. He’s heard my prayers. He is in control, and His ways are always perfectly planned and well timed.

As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.

                                                                                    Psalm 18:30