Free Time

Since having my two children, free time is one of life's niceties that completely evades me. As though it were stuffed in a time capsule and dropped in a hole deep down in the center of the earth with a retrieval date of 25-35 years.

With it went any shred of moxie I once had.

Full Definition of moxie

1. 1:  energy, pep
2. 2:  courage, determination
3. 3:  know-how

I'm pretty sure I've lost every which one of these things - energy, pep, courage, determination and know-how - to be good at anything other than mothering. And even then, good might be a stretch. 

Before my little darlings burst on the scene, I felt like I was pretty decent at a handful of things. I even had room to dream about a whole bunch of other things that I might be good at given enough free time and resources. 

It's amazing all the things I had time for, like styling my hair and putting clothes in the dryer less than 24 hours after the wash cycle.

But mothering doesn't leave room for extras. It hardly leaves room for all the things we're already good at and enjoy doing. I'm down to three: Running. Writing. Food.

I'm no gourmet chef. But come to my house and I'll whip you up something tasty and good for your body. And even if you don't think it's tasty, I'll go down trying. 

As my clan grows, my free time has been reduced to mere minutes. Lately, I have found myself sort of wading in the shallow end, wondering exactly what to do with myself. I haven't felt any shout from God to move, and it's left me grappling for a sense of purpose. 

Mothering can be like that. Caught up in the hum drum of diaper changes, meal time, play time, nap time, snack time, bath time, potty time, meltdowns over the color of the sky and boo boos that may or may not be there. 

There seems to be a time for everything but me and what I want to do. Like write that book and learn how to sew. Start a business and go on vacation. Spend uninterrupted time with friends I haven't seen in years. Learn French and Spanish. Travel. Read more.

Some days I get a little surge of moxie and decide I am going to be the next Martha Stewart. An hour later, I'm several episodes deep into anything on Netflix that allows me to sit and be entertained without having to think, or move, or do anything for any little bodies. 

And as I talked more and more to God about this, one thing became clear - I was already doing that thing that He wanted me to be awesome at. As Oswald Chambers put it:

Readiness for God means that we are prepared to do the smallest thing or the largest thing— it makes no difference.

Any which way you see it, mothering is a really big job that can make us feel really small at times. 

But mamas, he has appointed us - you and me - to take care of his children. To raise them to be honorable and kind, truthful and courageous, God-fearing and obedient. 

Of course there's no free time for anything else! He planned it that way. It's a big job. 

In my free time, I give kisses and hugs. I fill growing bellies and inquiring minds. I talk about Jesus and sing silly songs. I hold little hands and rock sleeping babies. I play, paint, color and draw. I take walks and rediscover nature. I clean dirty faces and teach life skills. I hide. I seek. I chase. I make animal sounds. I snuggle and tuck into bed.

Now that I think about it, if I had a time capsule, there wouldn't be much room for free time. I'd fill it to the brim with mothering.