My Little Monster

Sosie at 10 days old!

My Little Monster 

My husband hates that I call her that. I hear those first few coos of awakening (when it's not outright screaming/crying wakening), and I will say, "Uh oh, the little monster is waking up!" At first, I thought that there was no way I would share my experience with anyone, but I am beginning to feel compelled - both for my sanity and inner peace and for anyone else out there who may be going through the same thing. Let me explain...

Sosie had a precipitous birth, which means she came out too fast, and the water in her lungs did not get squeezed out. So she was rushed to the NICU, and I lost all immediate bonding time with her, and did not get to really start "getting to know" her until 4 days later. For three days, I watched as my baby lay helpless on a table with a gazillion tubes and wires strapped to her everywhere! It was heartbreaking. I was exhausted, emotional, angry, sad, tired. I didn't even really know my baby. When she was released, we were ecstatic. I wanted to go home and snuggle and coo with my little bundle. Only that's not what happened...

Colic? Reflux? Allergy?

For the first two weeks, Sosie screamed night and day. I was completely shell shocked. I thought babies were easy going, slept a lot and cried only when they were wet, dirty or hungry. It was a cry like no other that she had. She wanted to be held 24/7, and she still does. And yet, she still cries while you hold her. But I am getting ahead of myself.

There are so many thing that can be hurting a newborn... allergies to foods you are eating, stomach issues, reflux, overtiredness, overstimulation, sinuses, OMG.... I was scouring the Internet for answers. So we went to the doctor and said, "What gives?" He gave us baby Zantac, and so we've tried it. I went on an elimination diet, cutting out dairy, soy, nuts, wheat, gassy foods, eggs, shellfish, etc., etc. Whether this has helped or not is still questionable. In reality, babies are sensitive to just about every food there is. We tried a formula for a couple feedings as directed by the doctor, but she got diarrhea. And it felt totally WRONG feeding her formula when I had perfectly good milk in my boobs for her. I sat in my chair crying as she sucked from the bottle, thinking "This is just not right." I missed the bonding. 

Recently we went to a pediatric GI doctor, so is suggesting the same thing - formula. From there, we can identify if its an allergy, and then we can go back to breastfeeding and try to cut out as much as possible... Well I am already doing that. So what's the point if you aren't up for giving up breastfeeding?

Sosie will be 5 weeks old Saturday. She continued to cry 50% of the time, and I cry along with her. It's heartbreaking to watch your little one so unhappy for whatever reason you'll never know. You lose every moment of free time ... today, will I be able to shower, eat, sleep, brush my teeth? Forget exercise or shopping or reading or hobbies or your favorite show. And without having family nearby, it's 10x harder. There's no one to come babysit or give you a break or whatever. Some friends have offered their help, and yes, I take it, but there's more guilt in handing over your colicky/separation anxiety-filled baby to a stranger than to grandma! 

And my poor husband is trying to give me those little break for myself to shower or go to yoga once a week or the store for a few odds and ends. But he is exhausted from playing cook and maid and babysitter and provider and supporter. When she wakes up screaming at 4 a.m., he wakes up too. Sadly, it makes me feel better almost to see him walk in the nursery wondering why she's still screaming during her nighttime diaper change.... because it reminds me that I am not alone. But I do wish he got more sleep.

Hope

But then... yes, there are bright moments. 

She loves lying in her crib staring at lights and her mobile. She'll do this for 30 minutes or so. She loves hearing running water, new voices. She loves the feeling of the cold winter air. She smiles here and there, and has laughed a couple of times in some transient sleep. She coos. She has the biggest eyes, and she will just stare and observe. She loves the sound of rattles. And the biggest blessing of all... for now... she sleeps at night! ::Knock on wood::

I have read "The Happiest Baby..." and "Baby Wise". Will they work for my baby? Probably not. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I have a "high-needs" baby. I am now reading "The Fussy Baby Book" by Dr. Sears. At least they validate and glorify her "difficult" traits and don't necessarily try to fix them. These early months feel like a lifetime when you are dealing with a baby like Sosie, and even when I go back to work, I don't know what her needs will be, or if they will be the same or better. She may not do well in a daycare setting. I don't know. Time will tell. 

"This too shall pass."

And that's what everyone keeps telling me ... give it time. While you want to embrace that phrase, it's so hard to do. And so we continue to bounce and cry and rock and sway and cry and play or stare at lights and listen to David Gray and soothing sounds and cry together. When I went to the pediatric doctor, I was amazed when the receptionist commented on how "upset" my baby was in her car seat. I mean, 1) she hates her car seat, and 2) she does this all the time! why do you think I am here? Of all people, I expected some understanding from the GI office. Because I am beginning to understand myself that THIS is how my baby is. She still cries because of a wet or dirty diaper or if she's hungry, but then she cries or whimpers most of the time when nothing else but the unknown could be wrong. 

She is cuddled and held and cared for and loved. Beyond that, only God knows what else she needs. And I pray that he gives me and my husband strength, patience, peace and knowledge to be able to care for her as best we can.

It's tough when the stories of other babies "like yours" are few and far between. And it's comforting when you do meet those who can relate and want to confide and support you through it. Because it's the HARDEST THING YOU'LL EVER DO. PERIOD. I am learning to let go of my needs and wants. I am learning to be selfless. I keep telling myself God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I know this because he never has, and I am still alive and breathing and so is she!

Change

They told me. But I never expected my life to change like it has. Like it will. Her helplessness gives me hope and strength. It's the weirdest thing to say, I know. But at her weakest point, I feel the strongest. Because I know she needs me. That little (big) bump I carried for 9 months... here she is. She is going to change you. Forever. For the good and bad. You are either in, or you're out. But you've gotta be in. 

XOXO

Becca