Ten Months: Pt. II, Change is never easy

Things are a'changin'... and in so many ways.

Yesterday was difficult.

We made a family decision that tugged at my heart. That insisted I relive feelings and memories I'd tried to file away. That left me holding my baby longingly and with nostalgia. That demanded I accept that a chapter of her our life is coming to a close...

That brought me to my knees several times. In prayer. God grant peace and guidance to our family and those who come in it.

It's going to take a week or two until I stop getting teary-eyed. But that's what moms are for, right?

Yes. My mom. She will be spending a short time with us. So part of me is excited - #1 to see her again so soon! - #2 that she will be able to experience Sosie during this time when things are changing so rapidly they could get lost in a blink.

Our sweet girl is ten-and-a-half months old today. A week ago she began clapping. Really clapping. Not just scattered here and there claps. But everything deserves applause. As it should.

She also began standing. Wherever, whenever, she practices squatting to standing. Up-and-down-and-up-and-down-and-up-and-down. A self-satisfied grin of determination planted on her face.

She points to everything, declaring "that" to whatever is in sight. She hands us books to read, actually pausing a few moments to listen and look at the pictures intently. And she's suddenly "Ms. Chatty Kathy," with the cutest intonation to her voice, as if she were telling you a story about the things that she sees. Putting anything resembling a phone up to her ear.

The downside to all of this is that sleeping has become nonessential. Naps are touch and go. Some days they don't happen. And others, it seems her body has withstood all the sleep deprivation it can, tanks up on a couple of hours and is good to go for another day or so. Nights, too. The sweet satisfaction of claiming that my baby "sleeps through the night" has come to a pause. Just for now. I hope. Although, at this time, we've had several lucky nights.

Her changes and development are at warp speed. It's no longer by the month, but by the week, the day. I find myself holding her tighter. Studying her face longer. Smelling her sweet baby scent more often.

Every day is a fight to hold on to "the way things were" for their familiarity, whether it be the way things were an hour ago, a month ago or 10 years ago. 

And there's a fight to let go of worries and expectations. My challenges, however, are overwhelmed by love. Because if you are not pushing forward, you will become swamped with your own history. 

We all have moments when we just need an extra breath to get through the next. But they are bookended by tiny reaching arms. Dancing in the driveway. Belly giggles. First everythings. A sleepy, nuzzling head in my chest.

Let's face it: nothing worth doing is ever easy. Certainly not being a parent. It requires a lot. To make the hard decisions. To sacrifice time, money, sleep and personal desires. To channel your inner child. To find hilarity amid the madness. To let things be messy and disorganized. To be strong when you're feeling stretched thin.

To let go, and let God.